I have always been a person who loved reflecting on myself or situations. I find it very therapeutic and healing for the soul. It can also bring up some very touchy moments in my life. When I reflect on life sometimes I can go too deep and it can hurt - sometimes causing me to feel sick to my stomach because the memory is so intense. For example, yesterday the song "Miss U" by Incubus came on my IPOD. The song always reminds me of the days following my friend Brian's funeral. I immediately began welling up with tears and my stomach felt nauseous. For me there is no closure to Brian's death because it was so unexpected and sudden as it is with most suicides. However, when I hear the Spirit Song at church which was played at my mom's funeral I don't that same feeling. Yes the tears come, but a joy fills my heart because I know a feeling of peace with my mom's death. I know it was her ultimate healing and it had been coming for so long.
Throughout this three-day weekend I had the chance to step back in time and take a journey through the past. I have been working on converting old home videos from VHS to DVD. As I was watching myself through the years I went on a journey remembering good times and bad. Some of the videos made me smile, while others brought tears to my eyes.
One thing that was made apparent yesterday while watching these movies was my desire to become a parent. I had such a great childhood, regardless of my mother's illness, that I want to become that amazing parent. I can't wait to have family vacations of my very own, birthday parties, Christmas mornings, etc. I was so blessed while growing up I want to share that with a child of my own.
Many of the movies I converted yesterday were of show choir/madrigals. I miss singing with a group so much that it hurts. I think that is why I am so into the show Glee. It wasn't just the performance factor that I loved so much - it was the people I was around. I love my friends now - but my friends in the arts are a different breed. There is something so different with us - like a thread that connects us that is unseen. We aren't aftraid to be ourselves around each other and the love is unending for each other regardless of stupid squabbles.
It is a good thing to enjoy the past but I feel I relive it too much... why do I do that?? I am going to end on a song that sums up what I was feeling yesterday.
Reflection By Christina Aguilera
Look at me
You may think you see
Who I really am
But you'll never know me
Every day
It's as if I play a part
Now I see
If I wear a mask
I can fool the world
But I cannot fool my heart
Who is that girl I see
Staring straight back at me?
When will my reflection show
Who I am inside?
I am now
In a world where I
Have to hide my heart
And what I believe in
But somehow
I will show the world
What's inside my heart
And be loved for who I am
Who is that girl I see
Staring straight back at me?
Why is my reflection
Someone I don't know?
Must I pretend that I'm
Someone else for all time?
When will my reflection show
Who I am inside?
There's a heart that must be
Free to fly
That burns with a need to know
The reason why
Why must we all conceal
What we think, how we feel?
Must there be a secret me
I'm forced to hide?
I won't pretend that I'm
Someone else for all time
When will my reflection show
Who I am inside?
When will my reflection show
Who I am inside?
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